So its your birthday, happy birthday.

Something went amiss in the relationship. Things were not the same they used to be 2 months before.  And yet he cannot figure out his part in all this. What could have gone wrong. Why things aren't the same as they were before, he was having this conversation for the ten thousandth number of time in his mind. Did the relationship die its natural death? Was he at fault or was she at fault. Had he behaved differently, could it be saved? He stressed his brain but no answer. Its been more than month that he has been like this.

The telephone rings dispersing the silence that has engulfed his soul. He is again awarded as employee of the month for second consecutive time. But the news did not cheer him up. He just said ok and hung the phone.  Last year for three different months, he got the award and every time there was big party bash at night in his house, where his friends from office would come over and they would enjoy all night.

But now the things are different. Now there are no friends, just colleagues. And he is no mood to invite them over. He is no mood to celebrate even.

Its was Monday on hot  May day when she joined the office. He did not remember the date, Little did he knew when he saw her in cafeteria that she would be reporting in to him. He was instantly attracted towards her. When he came to know that she would report  in to her, a feeling of shyness sealed his lips when confronting her. An outwardly reticent  person- that was he. This was his type.

But how did all this start.

You are more or less my previous Boss,  Hard from outside but a nice person, she later told him.

Gradually he was able to break those cobwebs, which people do sooner or later. He was taking his time as he had bad experience of being in relationship in the past. And this time his official life was also involved. They mixed quite well. Filling in their empty time by talking about movies, books, likes dislikes, sports. She was a great fan of tennis and he was into reading books. Though after office whenever they chatted, he showed interest in tennis and would Google things so that he can initiate a chat by talking about her favourite subject.

You take care of me like my Dad and scold also in the same manner, she had once told him.

Did she really mean her words? He did not know but it was tempting to believe she did. And so he believed.

Suddenly, there was pat on his shoulder- strong enough to break his stupor. It was Deepak, his batch mate from engineering college, now a mere colleague. Where are friends, he wonders.

Are you done for today? Enquirers Deepak,

Well, almost nothing much to be done for the day. He replies with the attempt to end the conversation before it started- an objective attitude he has began to teach himself. Deepak returns to his cubicle not expecting such a blunt response.

His eyes flit through his surroundings- a maze of neatly arranged desktops with few maze empty which people fill in with their laptops in office times only to become as empty as himself after 6.30.

There are people moving in and around him but he is too pre occupied in his thoughts that he is unable to see them and his eyes finally rests on his computer screen. He can see her name still on the list of contacts in the office chat. Once the name used to blink with great frequency, before breakfast,  after breakfast, before lunch , after lunch,  before tea, after tea, all ay long. Now it has gone silent, as if it had never existed.

His mind races back in time. “We have to go for client meet in morning”

“Ok then, lets have lunch while coming back in MC D”, she asked him. He was happy that he did not ask him out which he always wanted to but feared that he will get NO as an answer.

Now he had herself for the entire day. Did he enjoy the day with her. Of course he did. Did She enjoy the day with him. This is the question.

“I had really good time today, thank you.” She had told him that evening after they were back.

“Me too. Ok now let’s get to work. We have to mail minutes of meeting to client” His mind was divided in two halves, one preoccupied with her thoughts and other with work.

After finishing his work, his eyes went to bottom of computer screen. He is already late and see that she is also still working. There is no one else in office. Time to leave. He packs his bag, locks the computer and asks her to do the same, Should he drop her home or book a cab for her. He was the reason that she stayed so late in office. He started feeling guilty.

He then offers her a ride home. But she said that she comes on scooty and “ why should boys have all the fun”. She winked at him.

“Its getting dark. Leave the scooty here. I will book a cab for you.” He has started getting possessive.

Their eyes meet for instance and then diverge away. What does that fleeting glance mean to her? Nothing perhaps.  What does it mean to him? He is still trying to find out. But he did book a cab for her that day and she went back with smile on her lips and tiredness in her eyes.

So tired was she that she went to sleep without even having dinner and without wishing him Happy Night. This has become the routine now that whoever sleeps first will wish the other  “Happy Night” and whoever leaves the office first will say “CYA”

He could not sleep the whole night. The feeling of guilt of keeping her late mixed with the fact of not getting good night message kept his eyes glued to the mobile screen.

Next  day, he goes office and went directly to her seat only to find the seat empty. He searched for her and found her in cafeteria, not alone of course. He had taken her going in taxi as per his suggestion and working late hours for him as a good starting point. Now he could build on the relationship. It turned out to be something quite contrary, like a receding wave which gets mixed into the calmness all around it.

She has moved to different  team now. Maybe there was too much work pressure, maybe her requirement in other team was more, No one knew. They went on many days without talking. Those long intervals of silence were always filled with doubts, doubts about her, self doubts. He is just an amusement for her or maybe he was her boss at that time, so she tried to be nice. .. he must have been fool to believe what she said... but wait a minute.. what had she said.?. just that she finds him caring, just that she reminds her of his previous boss. She never even said that he was her friends. So what exactly was he for her.. a playful thing meant for entertainment during leisure. A toy that has outlived its utility.

Is he not taking it too seriously... searching for a thing that does not exist. Trying to find meaning in something which is inherently meaningless.. he does not know.. maybe he should control his feeling and not the other way round, do some yoga or meditation and diverge its attention to more meaningful tasks in life.

Then one day, unable to hold himself further he messages her, lets be the friends we used to be, shall we meet in cafeteria.

"Certainly we will", She said

And they meet for a small coffee break in the evening. “ You look different, she said to her. Why don’t you shave. You look so well clean shaven”.

That brought smile on his lips. She used to observe him and is still concerned, he thought. So he must not give up.

He is outside the office premised and live a little far from office. He leaves his car in the office parking and prefers to go by metro. It will give him more time with himself and he will not have to care about glaring horns, painful red lights and crazy people driving bike and going past him breaking the lanes. From the windows of metro, he could see rows of sprawling buildings with glass walls, colorful and translucent. In between there are columns of crawling vehicle. He could see that street lights are turning on. Though he could not hear horns but he could still feel them as this was his daily routine. He was part of all this yesterday and today he is on top of all this mess, zooming towards his destination. Yes, He was happy. The whole ambiance seems to have been impregnated with comforting coolness. He is moving in his own space, carrying within him his own world.  

“Shall we meet for lunch today”, he asked her “Not possible for me to come as  have too much work to do”, she replied back. Was it her way of evading his proposal, an indication perhaps that she was not itching for her company as he was for hers?  Quite a possibility.

But he did not care to heed it. Why look at something wholly unpleasant in your eyes, however right it might be.

‘ Well its fine, we will have lunch some other day when you are free”, he ended the conversation.

But that some other day kept on dodging him. A week later, he had asked the same question but she did not oblige. “ Caught up with something, you carry on” Well she had said so.

It was too much for him, the dilemma of his existence in relation to hers. Either she could like him or she could dislike him. She could not do both. And certainly she cannot ignore him when in fact her thoughts occupy almost all of his time. How can she wear a face of friendliness and hiding another of indifference within. He was hurt, badly hurt. How can she be so inconsiderate. Not caring even to make an attempt to make it sound like even she wanted to meet him but can’t.

“ You carry on”, but where could he carry on without her.

He reached his house. Changed his office attire to more comforting house hold wear. But nothing could comfort  him.   A door bell rang after some time. His dinner has arrived. But he is no mood to eat  today or at least for some time now.

What has started a year back has ended. What has started will eventually end is part of nature and relationships  are no exception to this rule of universe. Sometimes they die natural death. Sometime EGO , Indifference, Possessiveness are the culprits.

He opens his dinner box, But it tastes better than usual. He stretches himself on the bed again, switches off his light. Slowly sleep devours his memory.

Next day was her birthday, He had planned all this while to celebrate that in grand manner, to give big birthday card, to order cake in from of Barbie and cut in front of whole office.

But this was new day, a new beginning for him  and he could not let memories of past control him now. He is in office, on way to his cubicle.  She is nearing him from opposite direction, distributing sweets to everyone. She comes to him and he took his sweet like everyone else did, wished her birthday like everyone else did. Their eyes met for an instance and then diverged away. What does that fleeting glance mean to him? Now he knows, It meant nothing. He re- started his journey toward his work station. He is moving away from her, not just in distance, but in mind.......